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Advice columns litter the pages of Philippine newspapers. Not all of them are easy to read, of course - many of them can be biting, vitriolic, and painful, and simply because I read them as someone who sympathizes with the letter-writer's situation. On the other hand, advice can often be handed out by someone who tries too hard to claim authority on a subject - and therefore risks alienating readers, not to mention offending them.

The Advice Column that I am blogging about appeared in the Philippine Star, but is not available on the Philippine Star's website. However, some bloggers have picked it up, and they have posted their views along with the original article here http://jocelynism.multiply.com/journal/item/191/10_Scientifically-Sound_Tips_To_Improve
_Lovelife_do_you_agree, and here http://makeminedecaf.multiply.com/journal/item/2/How_to_find_the_love_of_your_life.

"How can I find the love of my life?" the letter goes. The author, a medical doctor, starts by listing tips that the writer can follow. The original letter appears in this entry in bold font, and I will critique each point in normal-sized font.

1. Ladies, don’t show your IQ. Guys admire smart girls, but they don’t marry them. If your BF’s car broke down and you repaired it, that’s a blow to his ego. Guys are secretly afraid, too, that they can’t get away with their vices with a very smart girl. So, ladies, play it smart or, rather, play it dumb.

This advice seems to feed into the pre-existing bias of men as the heads of households, the perfect fathers, the always-correct-ever-faultless boyfriend - and the women as the dumb, brainless decorations that should hang on the arms of their powerful men. This can be extremely discouraging for women who are naturally smart: should they pretend that they are silly and stupid, and do smart women stay single because they are smart?

In this tip, the advice giver makes wives appear like idiots and game-players, and makes men appear like power-grabbers who thirst and lust for the smarts over women. Hasn't society changed since the Victorian ages? I believe that men like smart women - or for that matter, women who do not pretend to be someone else. What people won't like, I believe, is someone who pushes his or her smartness on someone else - people don't like arrogance.

2. Find a complementary mate. If you’re a bookish person, you’d like to marry a street-smart guy. If the girl has an average IQ, she’d like to marry an intelligent guy. According to Leil Lowndes, author of wonderful book How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You, we instinctively look for somebody who complements our weakness. In fact, studies show that dominant firstborns get along well with baby-like last-borns (their personalities mix well). This will bloom into a strong partnership later. Hence, showing what you have that the other lacks can make you attractive to the opposite sex.

If I say that opposites attract, I am invoking a stereotype; if I say that relationships should be between people who have everything in common, I am calling up yet another stereotype. There is no escaping stereotypes, no escaping how I have seen so many exceptions to so many rules. I am an academic, but my boyfriend is not - in fact, he hates school. A friend of mine is about to marry a fellow scientist. My mother and father are exact opposites in many respects, but they still share a lot of things in common. What determines the "opposite" and "common" levels? Do we even need to measure things?

I believe that this is where we start drawing lines: when we look for things to measure, things that are not easy to measure, things that are not even quantifiable or tangible. I did not find someone who would complement my weaknesses - I looked for someone that I could laugh with and be happy with. For me, it did not mean filling out a form and seeing if I was exactly complementary with my boyfriend. Like real life, things are never measured. They just happen.

3. Smile. Studies (yes, studies) have shown that the most effective way to attract the opposite sex is to smile. In a study of 750 encounters between men and women, 56 percent of conversations were initiated by smiling. Flipping the hair for ladies, and taking the direct approach came in second and third in effectivity.

This bloke gets a thousand points for stating the obvious. I wish, however, that he had said that smiling sincerely allows people to make friends - smiling for the sake of catching a man or a woman? Isn't that trying too hard to be happy? Trying too hard to be someone you're not, to please someone that you're not sure about?

4. Be helpful and generous. I know that helping may not be your thing, but nobody likes stingy and thrifty guys. Buy her take-home snacks. Volunteer to help in her work. Do errands for her. Who says you can’t mix work and courting?

Nobody likes ANYONE who is stingy and thrifty. In this world of racism and delineations, no one has any reason to be un-helpful and un-generous.

5. Look near, not far. Again, studies show that the average distance between the homes of future couples is less than five blocks. That means your soul mate is just lurking within walking distance from your home right now. Forget about long-distance affairs. They’re tedious and prone to get intercepted by enterprising girls.

There are thousands of things that are wrong with this statement. In fact, I have been taught not to look for love - but to let it just happen. Someone can come from another country, another continent, another city, another neighborhood, another island - that person is somewhere, and you don't have to even try hard to look. Just let life happen - if you keep on concentrating on looking, you often lose the chance to improve yourself, and to live life and enjoy it.

This advice also seems to limit people to a certain radius, to keep them in their place. I read it as a racist comment: marry within city limits, your true love is near you, don't look too far, anyone who is too far from you is not "soul mate" material and you will not be compatible, whatever compatible means.

This message can benefit from a little tweaking: sometimes, the person meant for you will just come into your life. Don't try too hard with your searching.

Now, as for the long distance relationship thing: I'm in one, and I'm sure there are enterprising people right around my corner and my boyfriend's corner. But we have to be strong enough to resist temptation. Some relationships work, some don't - it isn't always a function of distance. It's a function of emotional maturity - and sometimes, it's just luck (or lack thereof).

6. Don’t date a model. Studies show that most happy couples are about equal or come close in physical attractiveness. Be honest. Look at yourself in the mirror and rate yourself from 1 to 10. If you’re a 6-boy, you should only aim for an 8-girl at most. Look around, 75 percent of couples rank within two points on the attractiveness scale. An average-looking 5-guy shouldn’t go for a 9 or a 10-girl. It’s not possible and doesn’t portend a happy marriage later.

Of course, there are exceptions that tilt the balance: being rich, being influential, or having some other outstanding quality. If an old balding guy is walking with his young and pretty wife, what instantly crosses your mind? That guy is probably filthy rich. Or if you see a handsome guy with an average-looking girl, wow, she must have a nice personality! These are the exceptions but all in all, the attributes balance out.

Not only does this man thrive on racism or the idea of like marrying like (or opposites attracting, we're not really quite sure), he also sees relationships being built on equal attractiveness. What does this advice tell us? That only pretty people should aspire to marrying attractive people - and that the less attractive people should discard any idea of a fairy-tale affair and resign themselves to someone they settle for, not down with. What is attractiveness anyway? Can it be more than a face, a personality, IQ, EQ, or sex appeal? Can it just be something that someone sees in someone else? Can it even be defined or scored?

7. Consider marrying someone in your line of work. In my experience, most doctors end up marrying a doctor. The belief is that it’s difficult for a layperson to understand the doctor’s lifestyle. Being called in the middle of the night and canceling family affairs due to an emergency can put a strain on a marriage. The same is true with other professions. It could be advantageous to marry someone in the same profession as yours.

This makes me wonder about the "complement each other" advice given above. True, doctors will have different personalities, and fellow doctors should marry each other but make sure that they find someone who has a different personality from theirs. Again, this advice speaks of more delineations: not only should people marry those who live close to them, but those who work with them. I believe that a marriage survives not because the spouse knows exactly what the other spouse feels - I believe that marriages succeed because of sympathy and empathy, whether or not your spouse and you come from the same professions.

Again, this advice is a generalization. My parents are from different professions: my father works with an airline and is always on call; my mother works for a membership card telemarketing company as a manager and often spends a lot of time at the office. But they work things out because they are working toward the same goals.

I suppose that's one generalization you can make about marriage: it works when the people in it have the same goals. Marriage is a partnership, not a way to draw lines and erect walls where there should be none. How else can we teach our kids multiculturalism? How can multiculturalism start in a home where the parents are exactly alike in professions, maybe differing in personality, but are from the same place?

8. Ladies, marry before 30. Factoid for ladies: The farther from graduation, the lower are your chances of marrying. Look around and see the multitude of unmarried ladies in their 30s. Even if you have a steady boyfriend, you’re still not safe. Ladies can easily lose their attractiveness during years of hard work.

And when you’re pushing 30, suddenly you’re competing for your BF’s attention with 21-year-olds. My advice: Tie your BF down. Threaten him if you must. Ask support from your parents and marry early. You can earn later. Sorry, but there’s no space for the many sob stories of ladies who lost their BFs to fresher competition.

For guys, your options are open.

Guys are lucky in that as they get older, their stature, confidence, and attractiveness grow. That is why most guys, especially professionals, find it easier to find a partner as they reach middle age. In fact, many Filipinos find a mate even after they’re married! Just the same, I would advise guys to plan (and commit) early.

Here's one of the more disturbing generalizations - if I were reading this with far less confidence than what I possess, I would be scrambling for a mate now. I am 28 years old, and I will turn 29 in less than two weeks. Is my boyfriend looking around for 21 year olds? Am I that old and undesirable? And what is this about marrying now and earning later? Are we again tying women down to marriage, and then telling them to work themselves to the bone later because they married too early - and therefore are not experienced in the job market?

My mother taught me a very important lesson when I was young. She told me to earn my own money and develop my skills because no one wants to live with someone who doesn't know how to work and doesn't know herself. I am learning more and earning more because I want to be a better person - and when I finally settle down and get married and start a family, I will not have any sob stories to tell my children. Such sob stories will probably begin with, "When I was young, I wanted to do so much, but I had to get married because I was afraid that your daddy would leave me and I would never get a boyfriend when I got older - now, I wish I had stayed in school/entered the work force/made myself a better person."

Take note: this advice column was published early this year. I know of so many women back home who married late, but who were successful and had their own cash stash to keep them secure. They were rich and prosperous, they were happy - they didn't care about age. They married at 31, or 32, or 33, and had two or three children - they married and found the loves of their lives.

Sometimes, good things come to those who wait. But this isn't just ordinary waiting: it could be waiting with a twist, waiting by getting that PhD or doing better at work.

Good things come to those who spend their waiting times wisely.

Now there's a generalization I can believe.

9. Pray that you find the right one.

To our readers, no need to be so choosy when finding a mate. Don’t look for a perfect person. There isn’t one. God, however, has a plan for you. Pray for the angels and the cupids to open your mind and heart. Your future partner could be the person seated beside you right now.

I have nothing against this. I'm a devout Catholic. I prayed for my boyfriend to come along, and I'm still praying now. That's what I wish this advice section said: Pray for the best person, and pray for that person who is with you. Pray that if this is meant to be, then your relationship will be strengthened. And if it isn't meant to be, pray that it will end so that you don't waste your time.

That's a generalization meant for older gals like me. Smiles all around!

10. Lastly, there is always blessed singleness if one misses the boat. Anyway, there are lots of advocacies and projects lined up to fill your time. But never say never. A relative of mine postponed her marriage to her BF when she was 30. Then, 25 years later, she reunited with her long-lost BF (still single and now 55) and they finally tied the knot.

I don't even get how this is advice.

This advice column annoyed me (and my boyfriend) for its generalizations, its line drawing, its borders. I don't think you can generalize anything, certainly not finding one's true love, and certainly not on the basis of outmoded beliefs that will work with some relationships, but not with others. What a sting to women everywhere, to be told that they cannot be themselves! What a bite to us who survive in our long distance relationships! What a painful stab to women who are older, but who are making sure that they love themselves first before they start any relationships!

Now I wish I had the chance to write an advice column. How to find your one true love? Pray, hope for the best - and wait.

But enjoy your life and make yourself a better person while waiting.

Spell it Right, Get Corrected?

I am an editing geek. I may not have perfect grammar and editing skills, but I still cringe when I see words spelled wrongly, an "its" in place of "it's" and vice-versa, a phrase used wrongly, a double negative - I have pet peeves when it comes to words, in short. I can often be irrational, in fact, when I make grammatical errors, and I actually imagine a red pen coming out of the sky and impaling me as I spit out the wrong word, the right word wrongly spelled, the comma that comes out of nowhere to tell me that no, I am not perfect.

Miss Editing Geek emerged last semester at a statistics class. Our professor showed the raw data for a statistics problem that involved the 50 U.S. States. His question was, "What's wrong with this data?"

I immediately spotted an error: Massachusetts was spelled "Massachusettes". So I spoke up, "Massachusetts is spelled wrong."

My seat mate, a White American, turned to me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said, and too confidently, I think, "There isn't an 'e' before the last 's.'"

"Oh," he replied, with an understated sneer, "Is that how they spell it in the Philippines?"

"No. That's how they spell it anywhere. Wanna bet?"

I wish I had placed that bet, because my seat mate had promised a hundred dollars - I pitied him then, but I don't pity him now.

Mercilessness aside, I think his question was more than a joke about people who are over critical about spelling. It could be a defense mechanism set up by Caucasians who think that they are the English experts versus the Asian Editing Geek who has no right to correct Americans. It could be a way to put down the Asian girl who seems to be too smart for her own good, especially considering the fact that this same seat mate is a Conservative. For all I know, it could simply have been a joke, and I am over-reading into a mere jest.

On the other hand, I find his comment disturbing. First, how could he not have known how Massachusetts is spelled? Why did he need a non-U.S. citizen to point it out to him? Second, why did he react defensively? Why did he make it sound as though he were putting my skills down - and simply because I wasn't from his country? Was this another case of White Supremacy in action?

I know I could simply be reading too much into the comment - and I, too, might have been annoying for picking out such a tiny error that could have little to no bearing on the data. Then again, I brought this issue up with my boyfriend, and his reaction was, "Could I even trust the data if the data encoder can't spell stuff right? What if the extra 'e' had been an extra '0' in the numbers?"

Then again, we could both be over-reacting.

And still, I remain an Editing Geek. If there are errors in this post, however, please consider the fact that I'm ranting and raving while I'm letting out my verbal diarrhea. I may be setting letters, punctuation marks, and even my sanity loose.

A Relationship Built on Hair

Love is certainly more than running one's hands through a lover's hair, but these commercials from the Philippines seem to think otherwise. In fact, they join dozens of other hair commercials that propagate the image of long, straight hair as a desirable norm - and curly hair as a relationship wrecker.



In this TV commercial for a popular shampoo, we find a pair of lovers sitting on a park bench. The man moves closer to the girl constantly and tries to run his hands through her hair, but every time he does, she moves away or finds something to do to distract him. We then get images about an impending separation - until the girl apparently takes charge and shampoos her hair with the right shampoo. With her hair now straight and black, she has more confidence, and she and her man become much closer. Of course, anyone watching the commercial might make the excuse that it merely shows how a woman has to have confidence in order to be loved; confidence can only come from loving oneself; but loving oneself, contrary to this commercial's message, need not necessarily come from having straight hair.

Most shampoo commercials in the Philippines operate on stereotypes, with a woman getting pushed down because of her non-straight, non-shiny, non-black hair. A woman cannot keep a relationship running, get a man, keep a career, or be successful, in general, without desirable hair. The scene presented however, is not typical: it is difficult to have a picnic in a park in Manila, what with all the pollution; and no picnic ground is that well-trimmed unless it's reserved for the upper classes. In presenting an image of richness, and then tying it in with the desirability of dark and straight hair, prospective customers are led to believe that they too can attain better lifestyles by merely shampooing their hair to straight perfection.

Although this may seem to be reading too much into the issue, I find that such commercials can change people's minds about the richness of beauty that can be found beyond hair and white skin. My own hairdresser used to urge me to straighten my hair because curly hair was "wrong." Commercial models usually have white skin and very dark, straight hair. Standards are being set - but should there be standards at all?

A Romp in the Devil's Playground

There are many misconceptions about the Amish that are propagated by the mass media: Hollywood portrays them as extremely backward, they are often seen as closed and confining, and their lives seem to be built around rigid traditions that make little sense in a modern world. However, in the film "The Devil's Playground," we are presented with another side of the Amish; perhaps, it is this side that can make us more aware of our ills as a capitalist society.





All eight parts of this movie are on YouTube. The entire film revolves around the activities of Amish youth during Rumspringa, where they are given an indefinite amount of time to experience the outside world - the Devil's Playground. When translated into English, this time off from Amish life is "running around," which most of the youth do. They have wild parties, stay away from their parents, speak and dress "English" (or non-Amish), do drugs, even land in jail. Their untamed natures seem to be expected: Amish children are banned from attending school beyond a certain age due to the vanity that education purportedly instills in children. Hence, half-educated children are brought forth into the world, and such children can often fall into the traps of drugs and capitalism. Capitalism has its trappings and good things - but the Amish youth may not be aware of these advantages and thereby go for the underground.

In this film, Amish youth are shown as either wayward or well-bred, providing a good balance to the film. No one is entirely blameworthy nor blameless; Amish children, like any group of children all over the world, are actually a diverse bunch. There are those who go into drugs, those who stay home and are obedient to their parents; there are those who leave the church, those who stay in it; there are children who find their way back after years of running around in the world, and others who are still thinking about their destinies. Once they enter the Amish church, they no longer have the freedom to leave - they must make a decision based on their "adventures" in the outside world.

The diversity here is no longer about color or disability, age or education - it is about thought processes in children who are forced (perhaps shackled) to their "ethnic" group. The diversity exists in their ability (or lack thereof) to handle stressful situations, their adherence to religious norms, their ways of coping. Even in the white and spick-and-span, seemingly homogeneous and strict world of the Amish, there are differences that must be addressed. Will a single place of worship solve these differences? Are these differences actually problems that must be solved?

The film itself is thought provoking in that it shows the different sides of the Amish - sides that most people do not know exist. Here, the powers that hold them to their religion no longer hold: these children try to create their culture, their underground method of control, their way of coping. Does it succeed? Sometimes. Does it make them better? Maybe. Can it shed light on our own faults as a capitalist society - yes.

We Taught them Something, Too

The most remarkable thing about the Philippine Ad Congress is that it always strives to go beyond stereotypes. There are no helpless maidens in their promotional ads, no women who want straight hair and white skin, no men who are overly and absurdly macho and independent. Last year, congress participants met at Subic, a Philippine municipality that was once home to a U.S. military base, and which is also the home of the Aeta, an indigenous Philippine group. In the past, Aetas were laughed at because of their curly hair and dark skin - but they were far from being mere indigenous peoples who simply sat back and watched the action as the Philippines went through wars and battles. As these ads show, Aetas were, and still are, survivors and teachers.



In this first ad, we hear someone speaking in the Aeta language, and talking about someone who learned to survive during the war, and in the Philippine jungles. This someone, we presume, is an American serviceman, as shown by the pictures through which the camera pans. In the end, however, the Aeta does say that the serviceman learned all that he needed from the Aetas of Subic.

The first part of the commercial is almost like a typecasting trick. We are almost led to believe that people somewhere are worshiping the survival skills of an American. Once the end comes, however, we find that the American owes his survival to the skills of a native. Although this might seem like a promotional bid for using natives to meet the needs of conquerors, the ad can be more a reminder of who helped the Americans win the war in the Far East. And even with the war over, the Aetas continue doing what they do, and living in the jungle that once was home to American servicemen. Movies and mass media will often show that American soldiers are foolhardy and stalwart, and learn everything that they need to learn in military school. This ad shows that soldiers, whoever they may be, survive by learning from locals.




This second advertisement shows students hiking through a jungle. They are carelessly laughing and trading banter, when one man falls. He scrapes his leg severely. When he looks up, he finds a native looking down at him. The native bares his knife; behind him, more natives appear; behind the wounded man, his comrades inch away. The native steps forward, raises the knife, and then bears it down - upon a plant next to the shocked, wounded man. The native then proceeds to dress the wound with the plant's leaves. The other natives come forward, look at the boy's leg, and say, "Sugat lang yan," or, in English, "It's just a wound."

As with the previous ad, this one tricks us with stereotypes. We have hikers who walk gleefully along, thinking themselves masters of the jungle. We have a native with his bared knife, signaling the presence of a savage, of someone outside of civilization. When the knife comes down, we find the roles reversed: the natives are the civilized masters of the jungle who know exactly how to care for wounds, and see them as mere wounds, nothing more; the hikers are visitors who have their own stereotypes about the natives, and are helpless in a world that is far removed from their own.

What I like about this ad is that it does not stereotype: it goes against trends, and acts as a reminder that the Philippines is not filled with uncivilized tribes - it is also peopled with so-called modern peoples who are unaware of the limits of their powers. The real heroes are the natives, and those who depend on them are the same people who think that they know everything.